Good thing you’re cute,
because this cake is Inedible
24” x 20” acrylic on canvas
‘Good thing You’re Cute, Because This Cake’ is Inedible is part four to the series ‘The Rebuild’. With this series I'm paying tribute to moments I've lost, could've lost, or still could loose. By paying tribute to those moments I've been able to rebuild my internal home and understand what unconditional self love really feels and looks like. All parts of this series are based off of free writings.
Written 2023
The ghosts appeared again but today, I don’t have to feel haunted. I awake from the nightmare to you by my side. It did feel so real. Five minutes ago, I mourned the loss of us. As if it were just some bad taste left in my mouth after a stale bite, I tried to wash it down with four more hours of sleep. Then I get my start again, refreshed enough.
The inconvenience of the ghosts felt more like a speed bump instead of a haunting this time. Just a reminder to slow down and pay attention to my surroundings. Maybe because even though I hope I never loose you, I would still exist if I did. My existence started much before adoring eyes have fallen onto me and will continue long after their loss. Maybe it’s because of the two half conscious good morning/goodbye kisses then my whispered ‘I love you’ followed by yours even louder. Because I asked no matter how sleepy I am I always want a kiss or two goodbye in the mornings. Or maybe it’s because when you asked I finally told you about these paranormal sightings, you made sure to say there’s nothing to worry about.
Even though I hope I never have to, if I ever loose you I’ll still add your name to the credits. Credit you for the stable ground your hands guided me to. Credit you for making the air around me golden. Credit you for assistance in baking the cake, whether it’s inedible or not.
The story behind ‘Good thing You’re Cute, Because This Cake is Inedible’
Part four of this series is paying tribute to real moments I could have lost but thankfully I got to soak up every minute of. In life, who we choose to surround ourselves with matters. Sometimes we can pay for our own mistakes and sometimes we pay for the mistakes of others around us.
At this point in time, I kept having the same nightmare that shot for shot mimicked mistakes of past partners but in those dreams it was my current partner causing that hurt. It always felt so real, I’d awake having fully mourned the loss of the person I thought I knew, just to see him snoring away next to me without a scrap of infidelity in sight. I’d joke, ‘you were mean in my dream’ and he’d pull me in half asleep mumbling ‘wasn’t real’.
Most days I could laugh it off then others I wish I could just opt for a exorcism or a lobotomy so letting myself be loved again could feel easy and not like I had to watch vigilantly for the next ball to drop so I didn’t miss the signs again. But picking at old wounds only makes them heal slower and we have to choose to fight it ourselves so we don’t bleed onto others who never would cause that hurt.
While it’s true it’s our fight, when someone lends a hand we shouldn’t be afraid to take it. I took the hand of someone who made it so easy for me to finally see love doesn’t have to feel uneasy. Someone that didn’t complete me, no, but someone who made it clearer for me to see I was complete before him. He just cared enough to light the spark in me and stayed around to tend to the fire so it doesn’t die out, adding kindling and logs and sheltering it from the weather.
It’s shown in the good moments, the mediocre, and even the bad ones too. With every little bicker about the dishes followed by a smirk and a giggle, with moments where we simply brush off a wrong turn on a road trip that set us back ten minutes, and the way we could bake the most inedible cake together laughing in our failure; the moments so simple they’re almost forgettable but, those are the moments that keep the storms at bay just long enough to allow the roof to go up in this rebuild. So when the next storm hits, we can shelter it together.